"The only reason for time is so everything doesn't happen at once." ~ Albert Einstein
I can't believe it's been 19 weeks since our baby daughter entered our life, only to leave us in a within a few days. I remember how LONG my wife's pregnancy seemed. I couldn't remember a time when she wasn't pregnant. I was so eager to meet my child, and to start the rest of my life. Now that time seems like it passed in the blink of an eye. These past months feel like they've moved by so fast, yet I still feel like I'm in suspended animation.
We spend so much of our lives working towards things. First we work to finish a degree. Then we get engaged, only to work towards a wedding. Then, we get pregnant, only to work towards the arrival of our child. Then, we work to make it possible for that child to get a degree, get married, and have children of her own. The speedboat of life continues to move forward, sometimes leaving those who don't quite get it right in its wake.
There are so many things I'm supposed to be doing now. I'm supposed to be putting my foot down at work, and insisting on leaving on time so I can pick my daughter up from daycare. I'm supposed to be pushing a baby stroller through Hoboken, introducing Lily to the other babies who are out with their parents, enjoying the day. Instead, I'm making plans. I'm getting ready to go back to school. I'm preparing myself to hear my wife tell me she's pregnant again. I'm looking for a summer job so I can make enough money so she will be able to stay home with our child and we can financially survive her time away from work. While I try to reject the idea that life moves on without a pause, no matter how much I want to pull over and stop for a rest.
Depending on who you ask, 19 weeks can seem like a lifetime. Each day for me involves fighting the urge to sleep another hour, have another cup of coffee, or watch another 30 minutes of cable news before I leave for work. However, something happened today that made me realize that I've been fighting to stay behind, while I should be easing back into life. I felt so awful that my reluctance to join the world (despite the appearance I've been keeping up) has affected the people I love. It's time for me to break through the funk that keeps be in bed, and fight against the forces of grief. If I'm going to be the father my daughter deserved, and that my future children deserve, I have to work through all the shit inside.
After all, "you may delay, but time will not." ~ Benjamin Franklin
