Week 36 - I Lose It (briefly)

The 36th week of my wife's pregnancy has now come and gone, and for the first time since I found out I was going to be a daddy, I lost my shit. I'm proud to say that the "losing of the shit" was all very internal, and with no hyperventilating, fainting, or crying involved. Just waves of sheer terror while driving to Dunkin' Donuts and temporary spots in my vision while sitting in the doctor's office.

The 36th week check-up is to determine the position of the baby, whether the mother is effaced and dilated, and to check the weight of the baby. All of this is very important information, because 37 weeks is considered full-term, and if the baby starts a comin', there's no stopping. At this point, the baby should be in the head down position. Butt down is called "breech" and may indicate that the mother would have to have a cesarean section (open mom up, take baby out). If the baby is in a transverse position, or parallel with the ground, the doctor would have to manipulate the baby FROM THE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE MOTHER'S STOMACH to get it into a head down position. This, I've heard, is not a pleasant experience. Effacement is when the cervix shortens, or thins out. Before effacement, the cervix is like a bottleneck. When the cervix is considered 100% effaced, it is paper thin. Then, the cervix dilates. Labor is considered "active" when the cervix is dilated 4 centimeters. If you want more info, google it. Be prepared for a much more graphic description of the process than you received here.

Needless to say, we were going to find out a lot about the arrival of our little one. I hadn't been to an appointment since the 20th week, where we did the anatomical scan. This was because the appointments usually lasted about 10 minutes, and were much like a routine gyno exam. Thus, I would have nothing to do, and my wife was much more comfortable going solo. As was I. As I walked to meet her on the way to the doctor's office, I started to get really anxious. All of the "what ifs" started to pour into my conscious thoughts. What if the baby isn't head down? What if the baby is severely underweight? What if she goes into labor right there? What if, what if, what if???? So, I did what every adult man does in that situation. I called my mom. She didn't answer her phone. I called my dad. He didn't answer either. So, I called grandma. The answering machine, featuring my grandfather's voice, picked up and my heart sank. As I started to leave a message, grandma picked up. I told her I was freaking out, and she told me the one thing I needed to hear. Everything is going to be ok. I knew things could still go wrong, but it's comforting when grandma says it's going to be ok. I was ready. So I thought.

At the doctor's office, I waited for the sonogram as my wife went through the first part of the exam. I was reading a Newsweek article about Rudy Guiliani when the nurse who I saw take my wife to the back briskly walked by and said shouted, "I think we have a problem!" Before I could clear the gigantic frog from my throat, I heard laughter. Someone had made a joke in a random chart, and the ladies were getting a chuckle out of it. I, on the other hand, was doing everything I could to avoid having a stroke. I sat back, tried to continue reading, and started seeing spots. "This is it," I thought. "I'm going to be that guy who passes out in the OB-GYN office." Fortunately, I was able to pull it together before my wife emerged and we were led to the sonogram room.

I'm relieved to report that we have a health baby, about 6 pounds, head down position, and my wife is neither effaced or dilated. We still have a little while before our bundle of joy arrives. My money is on Christmas Day, the only day we don't want to go to the hospital. Whatever day it happens to be, I'm pretty confident now that I won't need more medical attention than my wife.
Quote of the day
"I am not finding pregnancy much of a joy. I am afraid of childbirth, but I am afraid I can't find a way of avoiding it. " ~ Brigitte Bardot