at a loss

This blog used to be a place where I would record observations, collect quotations, and try to be light and funny. When I read my previous posts, I hardly remember the man who wrote them. He was a man who was unaware of the tragedy that was awaiting him. He was anxious to meet his little girl, and excited about finally being a father.

When he lost his precious baby girl, Lily, after 60 hours of unabashed joy, he became me. There are flashes of the other man in me, but he's often absent. When Lily passed away, I felt hollow inside. I felt like I was a walking shell, accept for a dull ache in my chest. I knew it was my heart, broken into a million pieces. Most days I walk around in a fog, especially since returning to work. I dread seeing people I haven't seen since before Lily was born, because I want to avoid the often uncomfortable and always awkward encounters. There have been three types of reactions people have to me:

1. "I'm sorry" -- this is the best reaction, by far. Someone will tell me that they're sorry, and offer their assistance if I need anything. This is usually reserved to good friends, but sometimes people surprise you. I appreciate this reaction because it acknowledges what happened, and shows concern and even empathy.

2. "Haven't seen you in awhile!" -- this reaction sucks. These people act like I just returned from vacation. It completely ignores the fact that I've been through one of the worst experiences a person could possibly endure. I don't care how uncomfortable you are around me...believe me, I'm more uncomfortable being back to a place that reminds me of every conversation I had about my wife's pregnancy, including a baby shower down the hall. The least you could do for me is spare me the denial (see #3).

3. Ignore, avoid, ignore, avoid -- this is better than #2. These people see me and give a waive or head nod, and head the other way. They probably don't know what to say, and instead of acting like nothing happened, they just avoid any opportunity to speak with me. It sucks on one level, but I like to think they're avoiding me because they don't want to hurt my feelings, and not because they don't like me. Either way, I probably would rather not talk to you if you're one of those people.

I understand that people have their own stuff to deal with, and everyone has their own reasons behind their choices. I don't pretend to know them anymore than they could ever know who I've become. So, I don't let it get to me too much. Sometimes I get pissed, but most of the time I let it roll off my back. Life's too short to worry about such trivial things.

So, here I am...broken, sad, and attempting to rebuild myself into a better person. This journal is for me to work things out in my head, and hopefully will serve as an instrument for me to measure my progress. I need this so I can heal and be a good partner to my wife and, someday soon, a good father to Lily's brothers and sisters. I owe that to my daughter, and it's the least I can do.