now you owe me six dollars

I'm watching MSNBC. A man just shot his family, and he's fled in the minivan. He's a banker who was recently fired from his job, and charged with embezzelment. So, instead of leaning on his family for support, facing the fact that he broke the law, and preparing for what comes next, he decided to kill his family. Good move, idiot.

I've been through some pretty shitty stuff lately. Granted, it hasn't been a result of my own behavior, but something like this can throw someone in a downward spiral, leading to some really insane decision making. I wonder what happened to this guy, to make him chose such an irrational response to stress. No doubt he experienced a trauma early in life, probably an abusive childhood, and everything he's done since has lead to this defining moment of his life. He'll never be able to go back. He's pretty much written his own ticket, and I'll be surprised if he's alive when the police find him. If he is, he'll spend the rest of his life confined to a cell, in the same hypervigilant state that consumed his entire life. He won't get better. He won't deal with his experiences and come out the other side of his trauma. He's the walking dead.

Earlier today, I read a story on CNN about a father who shot his 1 year old while she sat in her carseat, then shot himself. Again, what made this man think that the only answer to the problems he face was to kill his infant daughter before he took his own life?

On an emotional level, this shit drives me nuts. Yesterday, I spent Easter with my wife, her family, and my sister. It was an agonizing day for my wife and I. We should've been spending our first Easter with Lily, with the family doting over her adorable Easter outfit. We should've spent Saturday night making Lily's Easter basket and looking forward to the day she would be old enough to hunt for Easter eggs and ask if she can have another piece of chocolate. I wanted to jump out of my skin as I watched the children run through the house, and their parents go about the day as if they've done it a hundred times. The three of us returned to our apartment, and my wife and I spent most of the night talking about how hard the day was, and dreading the emotional trainwreck that will almost certainly be our Christmas holiday.

On an intellectual level, I'm curious about what makes people do what they do. For me, it's unthinkable to ever harm anyone in my family, especially my children. But, there are people who do it. And many of those abused children grow up to abuse their own kids, and abuse themselves through drugs and alcohol. I wonder if our culture placed a bit more importance on creating connections with other people, instead of individuality, these people may have been saved. Was there an opportunity, sometime in their lives, for someone to help them? Did those people decide not to help them, or did they refuse the offer? Who knows...but I know one thing...it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I've been blessed with a supportive family and wonderful friends. I'm pretty sure I will have a good life, and soon I will have a new child to give all of the love I have stored up inside. But, others haven't had the set-up that I've had, and they don't have the bright future that I have. I guess all I can do to help make it better, is to take advantage of those moments when the abused, addicted, and troubled members of our society open themselves up to the possibility of help. Other than that, I'll just love my family and friends, and hopefully have kids who want to help people, too.