fool

Had a good day today. I was accepted into the MSW program I applied to, and will begin in August. It feels good to look forward to something.

However, the good days have been few and far between. I've been feeling on edge and anxious lately -- partly because I'm dealing with my own reactions to things, and partly because my wife has been having a tougher than usual time lately. I'm not upset by her reactions -- I'm upset because there isn't a whole lot I can do to help. I have to be patient, calm, and listen. Unfortunately, I haven't been in a patient, calm, and listening mood lately, and I haven't done the best I can to be there. My only saving grace is that I can recognize when it has happened, and I address it immediately. We're good for each other, because we can communicate openly about what we need, and what we're getting or not getting from each other. It may come after a "FUCK THIS -- I'm Done!!", but we work through it and avoid allowing things to go for too long.

I'm doing my best to keep Lily's lesson's in the front of my mind. I'm trying to let the small things slide...although sometimes I still struggle. I get frustrated and full of anxiety about something stupid, and I know it's because I'm projecting my intense feeling of injustice and pain over losing my daughter. So, when I can't find something, or I spill something on the floor, it becomes the focus of my hurt. I don't like it when that happens, and I'm trying to express my feelings in a way that doesn't result in me swearing and stomping around because I can't find the car keys.

I owe her more than that.