this is a journal

time

2008-05-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

"The only reason for time is so everything doesn't happen at once." ~ Albert Einstein

I can't believe it's been 19 weeks since our baby daughter entered our life, only to leave us in a within a few days. I remember how LONG my wife's pregnancy seemed. I couldn't remember a time when she wasn't pregnant. I was so eager to meet my child, and to start the rest of my life. Now that time seems like it passed in the blink of an eye. These past months feel like they've moved by so fast, yet I still feel like I'm in suspended animation.

We spend so much of our lives working towards things. First we work to finish a degree. Then we get engaged, only to work towards a wedding. Then, we get pregnant, only to work towards the arrival of our child. Then, we work to make it possible for that child to get a degree, get married, and have children of her own. The speedboat of life continues to move forward, sometimes leaving those who don't quite get it right in its wake.

There are so many things I'm supposed to be doing now. I'm supposed to be putting my foot down at work, and insisting on leaving on time so I can pick my daughter up from daycare. I'm supposed to be pushing a baby stroller through Hoboken, introducing Lily to the other babies who are out with their parents, enjoying the day. Instead, I'm making plans. I'm getting ready to go back to school. I'm preparing myself to hear my wife tell me she's pregnant again. I'm looking for a summer job so I can make enough money so she will be able to stay home with our child and we can financially survive her time away from work. While I try to reject the idea that life moves on without a pause, no matter how much I want to pull over and stop for a rest.

Depending on who you ask, 19 weeks can seem like a lifetime. Each day for me involves fighting the urge to sleep another hour, have another cup of coffee, or watch another 30 minutes of cable news before I leave for work. However, something happened today that made me realize that I've been fighting to stay behind, while I should be easing back into life. I felt so awful that my reluctance to join the world (despite the appearance I've been keeping up) has affected the people I love. It's time for me to break through the funk that keeps be in bed, and fight against the forces of grief. If I'm going to be the father my daughter deserved, and that my future children deserve, I have to work through all the shit inside.

After all, "you may delay, but time will not." ~ Benjamin Franklin

another walk

2008-05-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

Confucius say a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Last weekend Maureen and I participated in the March of Dimes' March for Babies. The walk, which was about 3,494 miles shorter than my last walk for a cause, was an emotional event for me. As I walked, mostly behind the rest of our friends and family who joined us, I watched as thousands of people walked through Manhattan to raise money to help save the lives of babies. I also watched my daughter's lovely face, on the backs of our team t-shirts, and had to admit to myself that it was too late for her. I could walk for thousands of miles, and it would not change the fact that I will never hold her again. I had to admit that I am powerless over the finality of death.

I would've been a good father to Lily. Within seconds she had me wrapped around her finger, and the world in the palm of her hand. I would've worked three jobs to give her the opportunities she deserved. But the opportunity to help Lily become the great woman she was to become was stolen from me by forces unknown. If there is a God, and this is all part of his/her plan, I guess I don't understand the benefit of taking the life of an innocent child. There are no lessons to be learned, no "reason" in the cliche "everything happens for a reason." The lessons and reason came from her life, not her tragic death. The changing for the better that happened inside me happened when I held her for the first time. The only change that has happened inside of me after her death is a constant sadness, feeling of loss, and the occasional flashback that sends my body into a cold sweat.

The sadness that I feel is only partly for me. A great deal of the sadness I feel is for Lily. She was so innocent, so lovely, and so alive. Maureen and I were prepared to give her the world, and she was robbed of everything. Her first word, steps, day at school, sleepover, kiss, beer, and all the other firsts that we all remember so well. What lesson could possibly be learned from that?

The walk was my first step toward accepting our loss. It gave us something positive to do, in our daughter's honor. We raised money, walked 6 miles in the rain, and more importantly, we wore our shirts with pride. Our daughter's life changed us for the better. This was the first step toward the exit to the hell we've been in since her death.

trying again

2008-04-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

"I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings." ~Elie Wiesel

I received a letter today from a friend who I had been close with in the past, but had recently lost touch with. In the letter, he told me about how much a past encounter with me had meant to him, and how something I said had helped him cope with hard times. I remember this meeting, but I had no idea how much what I had said would mean to him. A couple years after this meeting, and a long time after we had spoken with each other for the last time, he had made the effort to attend my daughter's funeral. He made sacrifices to be there for me in the most urgent time of need. He, like so many other people I had developed relationships with through my life, had dropped everything to support me. Along with this letter, he enclosed a substantial check, the amount including donations from people I have long since lost regular contact with. I was taken aback, and felt an overwhelming sense of love and support.

Gestures like this always surprise me. I know I've lived a good life, and I've tried to be there for people when they need me. I've dedicated a lot of my adult life to helping others, often without thanks. I'm content with the feeling of satisfaction from the work itself, and not relying on expressions of gratitude to justify my efforts. However, through my recent loss, I've learned that there's a diffence between being a good person to people in general, and being a good friend to those who are close to my heart. The outpouring of support has opened my eyes to relationships I've let slip away, and my unfortunate ability to forget about those who I've shared so many experiences. I know I have to do better, because relationships lose power after time spent apart, and I now know the importance of having people who love me.

The donations were meant to allow my wife and I to travel and support ourselves while we were away from work and every day life. Even though the check came a little late to serve that purpose, the funds will go to an even more meaningful purpose. We are now at a time when we're able to safely try again for another child, and we've decided to give it a shot. While we know we'll never be able to replace Lily, and we'd never attempt to do so, we are feeling a void in our lives. The instant Lily was born, I became a father. I am now left a father without a child. The joy and feeling of meaning that we attained at Lily's birth has left a longing to fill our lives with chidren. Not to replace what we've lost, but to enhance our lives and fill our need to be parents. We want to give Lily brothers and sisters she can be proud of, and give them everything we would have given Lily had she stayed here with us. We owe it to her to give our children the best live we can, and we're going to do our best to do just that.

It's a scary time. We're now more aware than ever of the risk we are taking. Every rare medical condition has been brought into our conscious, and we do our best to filter the most likely from the almost impossible outcome. It's a challenge because we've already experienced a rare consequence that many parents will never encounter, and it's hard to differentiate between the extremely rare and the almost certain. However, those challenges aside, Lily has shown us that the reward is definitely worth the risk. The joy of bringing a child into the world is like nothing I've ever experienced. Now, we are trying again, because we know that the joy of watching our children grow and develop into amazing people on their own will be just as rewarding. In that spirit, we're trying.....again.

i love you too

2008-04-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

One of the joys of living on the New Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel is the wide variety of transportation available for your commuting pleasure. Specifically, there are two types of buses. The most reliable and safe bus is the NJ Transit bus. This bus travels to the Port Authority, uses the designated bus lanes, and has at least some level of training required to be a driver. I usually like this option, but it is often crowded by the time it reaches my stop, and I'm forced to stand in the aisle for the 40 minute ride. The other buses, which vary in disrepair, cleanliness, and driver competence is a bit of a gamble. However, they arrive more often at the bus stop, and charge 55 cents less than the transit buses. A couple days ago, I was in a hurry, and decided to roll the dice.

As I stepped on the bus, I noticed the many empty seats and breathed a sigh of relief. Seconds later, the relief was gone when I heard a large black gentleman in the back cry out, "Look at this white boy!" Fortunately, it was much more amusing than it was intimidating, and I took a seat a couple rows in front of my new friend. Speaking to an obviously uncomfortable Hispanic man in the row behind me, he cried out, "that other white boy couldn't handle it, and he go off at the last stop." Then after asking my favorite baseball team, and informing me that he could tell I wasn't racist, he asked me if I could pass the test. After asking the nature of the test, he said, "you know Jesus wasn't white, right?" To this I replied, "Jesus Christ?" He laughed and answered in the affirmative. "No," I said, "Jesus wasn't white." "BOOM!" he yelled. "See that, the white boy admitted it! Jesus was a black man!" Unable to help myself, I said, "I didn't say he was black...actually Jesus was Palestinian." After a short debate about the difference between being brown and black (same thing, he argued), he asked me my name. "Steve" I responded. He shook my hand and introduced himself, "Mohammed." Then, he sat back and didn't say a word for the rest of the ride. When we reached the Port Authority, he stood up and said, "I love you Steve. Have a great day." And he got off the bus and went on his way.

Interactions like this amaze me. I can imagine the other "white boy" wasn't as good of a sport, and may have been intimidated. I wonder if Mohammed went on with his day without thinking another thought about me. I sure thought about him a lot that day, but I doubt I had the same impact on him as he had on me. I still smile thinking about it.

People come and go in our lives. Some people stay for a short time, and some stay for a very long time. You never can tell the impact they will have on you until they are gone. Inversely, you never know the impact you have on others. I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life, especially Lily. She was supposed to be with me for the rest of my life. She was supposed to make my life worth living. But, despite all of the "supposed to's", she left me after too short a time. But that short time has had a profound impact on my life. I love the people in my life more than I ever thought possible. I also hurt deeper than I ever have in my life. Her presence is always with me, and I find myself asking what she would want me to do when I make almost every decision I'm faced with. All of this after only a few days. If you ever wonder how much a parent loves his or her child, think of this. How many people have you met where, within seconds of meeting them, they make you want to be the best person you can be because you want them to be proud of you? How many people can instantly inspire you to be a good, loving person? How many people can enter your life, only to leave you within a few days, and leave part of your heart broken forever because she left? That is the impact my days with Lily has had on me.

I've heard a man I just met tell me he loved me. Sometimes I wish I could hear my daughter say, just once, "I love you, daddy." I love you too, sweetheart.

fool

2008-04-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

Had a good day today. I was accepted into the MSW program I applied to, and will begin in August. It feels good to look forward to something.

However, the good days have been few and far between. I've been feeling on edge and anxious lately -- partly because I'm dealing with my own reactions to things, and partly because my wife has been having a tougher than usual time lately. I'm not upset by her reactions -- I'm upset because there isn't a whole lot I can do to help. I have to be patient, calm, and listen. Unfortunately, I haven't been in a patient, calm, and listening mood lately, and I haven't done the best I can to be there. My only saving grace is that I can recognize when it has happened, and I address it immediately. We're good for each other, because we can communicate openly about what we need, and what we're getting or not getting from each other. It may come after a "FUCK THIS -- I'm Done!!", but we work through it and avoid allowing things to go for too long.

I'm doing my best to keep Lily's lesson's in the front of my mind. I'm trying to let the small things slide...although sometimes I still struggle. I get frustrated and full of anxiety about something stupid, and I know it's because I'm projecting my intense feeling of injustice and pain over losing my daughter. So, when I can't find something, or I spill something on the floor, it becomes the focus of my hurt. I don't like it when that happens, and I'm trying to express my feelings in a way that doesn't result in me swearing and stomping around because I can't find the car keys.

I owe her more than that.

now you owe me six dollars

2008-03-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

I'm watching MSNBC. A man just shot his family, and he's fled in the minivan. He's a banker who was recently fired from his job, and charged with embezzelment. So, instead of leaning on his family for support, facing the fact that he broke the law, and preparing for what comes next, he decided to kill his family. Good move, idiot.

I've been through some pretty shitty stuff lately. Granted, it hasn't been a result of my own behavior, but something like this can throw someone in a downward spiral, leading to some really insane decision making. I wonder what happened to this guy, to make him chose such an irrational response to stress. No doubt he experienced a trauma early in life, probably an abusive childhood, and everything he's done since has lead to this defining moment of his life. He'll never be able to go back. He's pretty much written his own ticket, and I'll be surprised if he's alive when the police find him. If he is, he'll spend the rest of his life confined to a cell, in the same hypervigilant state that consumed his entire life. He won't get better. He won't deal with his experiences and come out the other side of his trauma. He's the walking dead.

Earlier today, I read a story on CNN about a father who shot his 1 year old while she sat in her carseat, then shot himself. Again, what made this man think that the only answer to the problems he face was to kill his infant daughter before he took his own life?

On an emotional level, this shit drives me nuts. Yesterday, I spent Easter with my wife, her family, and my sister. It was an agonizing day for my wife and I. We should've been spending our first Easter with Lily, with the family doting over her adorable Easter outfit. We should've spent Saturday night making Lily's Easter basket and looking forward to the day she would be old enough to hunt for Easter eggs and ask if she can have another piece of chocolate. I wanted to jump out of my skin as I watched the children run through the house, and their parents go about the day as if they've done it a hundred times. The three of us returned to our apartment, and my wife and I spent most of the night talking about how hard the day was, and dreading the emotional trainwreck that will almost certainly be our Christmas holiday.

On an intellectual level, I'm curious about what makes people do what they do. For me, it's unthinkable to ever harm anyone in my family, especially my children. But, there are people who do it. And many of those abused children grow up to abuse their own kids, and abuse themselves through drugs and alcohol. I wonder if our culture placed a bit more importance on creating connections with other people, instead of individuality, these people may have been saved. Was there an opportunity, sometime in their lives, for someone to help them? Did those people decide not to help them, or did they refuse the offer? Who knows...but I know one thing...it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I've been blessed with a supportive family and wonderful friends. I'm pretty sure I will have a good life, and soon I will have a new child to give all of the love I have stored up inside. But, others haven't had the set-up that I've had, and they don't have the bright future that I have. I guess all I can do to help make it better, is to take advantage of those moments when the abused, addicted, and troubled members of our society open themselves up to the possibility of help. Other than that, I'll just love my family and friends, and hopefully have kids who want to help people, too.

at a loss

2008-03-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

This blog used to be a place where I would record observations, collect quotations, and try to be light and funny. When I read my previous posts, I hardly remember the man who wrote them. He was a man who was unaware of the tragedy that was awaiting him. He was anxious to meet his little girl, and excited about finally being a father.

When he lost his precious baby girl, Lily, after 60 hours of unabashed joy, he became me. There are flashes of the other man in me, but he's often absent. When Lily passed away, I felt hollow inside. I felt like I was a walking shell, accept for a dull ache in my chest. I knew it was my heart, broken into a million pieces. Most days I walk around in a fog, especially since returning to work. I dread seeing people I haven't seen since before Lily was born, because I want to avoid the often uncomfortable and always awkward encounters. There have been three types of reactions people have to me:

1. "I'm sorry" -- this is the best reaction, by far. Someone will tell me that they're sorry, and offer their assistance if I need anything. This is usually reserved to good friends, but sometimes people surprise you. I appreciate this reaction because it acknowledges what happened, and shows concern and even empathy.

2. "Haven't seen you in awhile!" -- this reaction sucks. These people act like I just returned from vacation. It completely ignores the fact that I've been through one of the worst experiences a person could possibly endure. I don't care how uncomfortable you are around me...believe me, I'm more uncomfortable being back to a place that reminds me of every conversation I had about my wife's pregnancy, including a baby shower down the hall. The least you could do for me is spare me the denial (see #3).

3. Ignore, avoid, ignore, avoid -- this is better than #2. These people see me and give a waive or head nod, and head the other way. They probably don't know what to say, and instead of acting like nothing happened, they just avoid any opportunity to speak with me. It sucks on one level, but I like to think they're avoiding me because they don't want to hurt my feelings, and not because they don't like me. Either way, I probably would rather not talk to you if you're one of those people.

I understand that people have their own stuff to deal with, and everyone has their own reasons behind their choices. I don't pretend to know them anymore than they could ever know who I've become. So, I don't let it get to me too much. Sometimes I get pissed, but most of the time I let it roll off my back. Life's too short to worry about such trivial things.

So, here I am...broken, sad, and attempting to rebuild myself into a better person. This journal is for me to work things out in my head, and hopefully will serve as an instrument for me to measure my progress. I need this so I can heal and be a good partner to my wife and, someday soon, a good father to Lily's brothers and sisters. I owe that to my daughter, and it's the least I can do.

Roundhouse Kick

2008-01-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

This is why I'm a democrat: POW!

That video was not funny. If your reaction was more than a snicker, you probably thought Full House was hilarious. It was, at most, amusing, but if that's the best Romney can do with Chuck Norris (a comedy gold mine), his sense of humor is seriously lacking.

I want my president to be above making bad jokes to take a dig at an opponent. Don't get me wrong, I want my president to have a sense of humor...just not a bad one. I also want my president to know when to use that sense of humor (i.e. You don't smile, laugh, or make a joke when you're talking about Iraq -- See any speech made by Bush on Iraq).

Another thing about my president -- I don't want him to be the candidate I'd most likely sit down with and have a few beers. This morning I heard Huckabee say "People are looking for a presidential candidate that reminds them more of a guy they work with rather than the guy that laid them off." I don't think anyone would argue that people would support someone who reminds them of the jerk who fired them, but I think people are looking for a little more than the person in the next cubicle. I don't want an everyman in the White House. I don't want a common person. I want someone who is uncommon. I want someone who is remarkable, not the guy on the barstool next to mine. We've lived with that for the last eight years. It's not enough for a president to give the illusion that he's just like us. I don't want a president who is just like me. I'd be a shitty president.

Looking at the democratic candidates, there are pluses and minuses for each. I'm glad to say I'd feel comfortable with Obama, Clinton, or Edwards as the nominee. I don't want to have a beer with any of them.

Quote of the Day:
"Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair." ~ George Burns

Eviction Notice - January 9, 2008

2008-01-01T20:53:00.001-08:00

The first words to my child in 2008 were, "You've robbed us of our tax break, now get out!"

My child does not want to be born. I'm sure it's nice and warm in there, but nature is telling him/her that it's time to get out. Looks like my baby is stubborn enough to defy mother nature herself. This will be fun when s/he doesn't want to obey his/her bedtime.

We've been scheduled at the hospital for January 9 to either induce labor or perform a c-section. So, while mother nature isn't having much luck getting the kid out, we're putting our foot down. Sorry, kid...you have to get out. Why? Because we said so.

Quote of the day:
Our baby has already grown out of clothes, and it hasn't even been born yet! ~ Maureen

Ding Dang Y'all

2007-12-21T08:28:00.001-08:00

Anderson Cooper said, "Ding dang y'all" when he was doing as story about the tormented Britney Spears. I'm pretty sure he got that expression from TMZ since it's oft used in reference Spears. I no longer feel guilty about being sucked in by TMZ...even CNN is susceptible to its spell.

No baby for us yet. Still waiting and waiting. Our hopes of having a pre-Christmas baby are rather slim, so now we're hoping s/he comes between Christmas and New Year's...tax break pre-2008 sounds great, but we'll be happy if Maureen gets to stay out of the hospital for Christmas.

Things I think:
* I think Edwards is going to win Iowa, and throw a big ol' monkey wrench into the works...which will open the door for Hillary to run away with the nomination. Obama better get Oprah back out to Des Moines, STAT.

* I think Giuliani is going to tank. Huckabee will win Iowa, and Romney will win the nomination. McCain will be his only threat, but I really think Romney will win New Hampshire and stick it out.

* I think this was the funniest internet clip of the year, hands down: Chocolate Rain **see also: Chocolate Rain - John Mayer Remix

* I think this is the second funniest internet clip of the year: U.S. Americans...Wha?!?
Things I know:
* 40 weeks is a long time.

* Bush's farewell tour '08 will definitely be worth watching. What a long strange trip it's been.

* The Curse of Bobby Layne is alive and well in Detroit. Think it was bad being a Red Sox fan up until 2004? Try being a Lions fan.

Things I think I know:
* The anticipation of becoming a father for the first time is the scariest feeling a man can experience. As a friend of mine described it, "Being a parent is beautiful, but relentless. It's beautifully relentless." Well put.

And.....

"If there is righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character. If there is beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home. If there is harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world. So let it be."
~ Scottish Christmas Blessing ~

Next time...you'll meet my new child!!!

Week 38 1/2 -- Sick doggy takes up some of my attention, helps me forget that we're still waiting for the baby to come...

2007-12-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

Charlie has a hot spot. No, he's not the owner of a new night club...he's the owner of a nice size infection on a patch of skin on his neck. Recently, he's been showing signs of an allergies. He's broken out into hives a couple times, and we gave him benedryl. Apparently, he scratched his neck to hell last time he had an outbreak, and it got infected. Hot spots can appear suddenly, and spread really fast. His is on his neck, under his collar, so we caught it much later than we would've if it weren't hidden. Hot spots suck---they're painful, they're smelly, and this particular hot spot has turned my happy/dopey/bull-in-a-china shop dog into a sad, mopey dog. I have to clean it regularly, and when we leave the house, we have to put him in one of those god awful cone collars. I'm pretty sure the cone collar has broken his spirit. It's heartbreaking to see him so uncomfortable, but it shouldn't last much longer. The spot is clearing up, and should be better by Christmas.

In other news -- still no baby.

Quote of the Day:
In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog. ~Edward Hoagland

Week 38 - I tell the baby to "get out of my wife"

2007-12-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

A watched pot never boils. Equally as true: A watched pregnant women never gives birth.

This is why I'm having a night on the town. One of my best friends is in town for his 30th birthday, and we're meeting up for dinner tonight. Then, I'm going to a swanky Christmas party for my sister's company. This way, if I get a few drinks in me, and I start to forget that my baby is due anytime, maybe my wife will finally go into labor.

Now, people have told me that the first baby usually comes late. Honestly, if I have to wait another 4 weeks, I'll go crazy. We're both ready to get on with the child rearing already. Really, she's been pregnant for a LONG TIME. Actually, we've been married for 16 months. She's been pregnant for 8 of them. So, she's been pregnant for half of our marriage. That's a long time.

So, here's to a baby this weekend. Wish us luck.

Quote of the day:
"Patience and fortitude conquer all things." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Middle Class?

2007-12-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

My wife and I would be considered rich if we lived where I grew up.

Here, we can't even afford a babysitter, and daycare costs about as much as it would cost to send our kid to Yale.

Terrible.

Quote(s) of the Day:
"Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort." ~ Helen Gurley Brown

"The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any." ~Katharine Whitehorn

Week 36 - I Lose It (briefly)

2007-12-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

The 36th week of my wife's pregnancy has now come and gone, and for the first time since I found out I was going to be a daddy, I lost my shit. I'm proud to say that the "losing of the shit" was all very internal, and with no hyperventilating, fainting, or crying involved. Just waves of sheer terror while driving to Dunkin' Donuts and temporary spots in my vision while sitting in the doctor's office.

The 36th week check-up is to determine the position of the baby, whether the mother is effaced and dilated, and to check the weight of the baby. All of this is very important information, because 37 weeks is considered full-term, and if the baby starts a comin', there's no stopping. At this point, the baby should be in the head down position. Butt down is called "breech" and may indicate that the mother would have to have a cesarean section (open mom up, take baby out). If the baby is in a transverse position, or parallel with the ground, the doctor would have to manipulate the baby FROM THE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE MOTHER'S STOMACH to get it into a head down position. This, I've heard, is not a pleasant experience. Effacement is when the cervix shortens, or thins out. Before effacement, the cervix is like a bottleneck. When the cervix is considered 100% effaced, it is paper thin. Then, the cervix dilates. Labor is considered "active" when the cervix is dilated 4 centimeters. If you want more info, google it. Be prepared for a much more graphic description of the process than you received here.

Needless to say, we were going to find out a lot about the arrival of our little one. I hadn't been to an appointment since the 20th week, where we did the anatomical scan. This was because the appointments usually lasted about 10 minutes, and were much like a routine gyno exam. Thus, I would have nothing to do, and my wife was much more comfortable going solo. As was I. As I walked to meet her on the way to the doctor's office, I started to get really anxious. All of the "what ifs" started to pour into my conscious thoughts. What if the baby isn't head down? What if the baby is severely underweight? What if she goes into labor right there? What if, what if, what if???? So, I did what every adult man does in that situation. I called my mom. She didn't answer her phone. I called my dad. He didn't answer either. So, I called grandma. The answering machine, featuring my grandfather's voice, picked up and my heart sank. As I started to leave a message, grandma picked up. I told her I was freaking out, and she told me the one thing I needed to hear. Everything is going to be ok. I knew things could still go wrong, but it's comforting when grandma says it's going to be ok. I was ready. So I thought.

At the doctor's office, I waited for the sonogram as my wife went through the first part of the exam. I was reading a Newsweek article about Rudy Guiliani when the nurse who I saw take my wife to the back briskly walked by and said shouted, "I think we have a problem!" Before I could clear the gigantic frog from my throat, I heard laughter. Someone had made a joke in a random chart, and the ladies were getting a chuckle out of it. I, on the other hand, was doing everything I could to avoid having a stroke. I sat back, tried to continue reading, and started seeing spots. "This is it," I thought. "I'm going to be that guy who passes out in the OB-GYN office." Fortunately, I was able to pull it together before my wife emerged and we were led to the sonogram room.

I'm relieved to report that we have a health baby, about 6 pounds, head down position, and my wife is neither effaced or dilated. We still have a little while before our bundle of joy arrives. My money is on Christmas Day, the only day we don't want to go to the hospital. Whatever day it happens to be, I'm pretty confident now that I won't need more medical attention than my wife.
Quote of the day
"I am not finding pregnancy much of a joy. I am afraid of childbirth, but I am afraid I can't find a way of avoiding it. " ~ Brigitte Bardot

Dustin' off the blog

2007-12-04T13:29:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends. It's been awhile, so I thought I'd jump back on here. Although much has changed since my last blog, I'll give you the abbreviated version:

* I'm going to be a father sometime within the next four weeks.
* I am taking a hiatus from law school, and working in higher ed again.
* I've moved from NYC to New Jersey...same rent, much more space (i.e. nursery)

So, although it doesn't seem like a lot in terms of quantity, my life has changed drastically in the last 10 months. The last time I posted an entry, I was a second semester law student. The lens through which I view the world has changed a lot since then. Mainly, a lot of things scare the shit out of me. I'm helping deliver a child into a terrifying world, and it doesn't look like it's going to all puppies and rainbows anytime soon. Also, the word "responsibility" has taken on an entirely new meaning to me. Where I was once responsible for my own actions, I am now responsible for the survival of another human being. Prior to having a child, drinking too much meant I could roll over and fall out of bed. Now, it means I could roll over and smother my child to death. One results in a bump on the head, the other in prison time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my decision making process involves a lot more than weighing the consequences of my actions as they would affect me. Even as a husband I was able to make choices for selfish reasons. That time is over now. I'm no longer going to law school only because I want to be a lawyer and have a positive impact on the world. I'm going to law school because I want to make the world a better place for my child by doing good work, as well as providing economic stability. Back in February, economic stability played a very small part in my reasons for going to law school. That changes when you realize that it's not cool to have a kid and be two paychecks away from being homeless.

Quote!
"It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be." ~Homer (Greek poet & historian)

"Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded!" ~ Homer (Simpson)

Stay tuned for more...I'm sure things will get much more interesting over the next couple weeks.

One L

2007-02-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

So, my wife bought me the book "One L" for Valentine's Day. A guy wrote a book about his first year at Harvard Law School. It's called "One L" because that's what they call first year students in law school. 1L, 2L, and 3L. I had never heard of that until I became a law student. There are many things I had never heard of, or given much thought to, until I became a law student. What's great about this book is, although I'm not at Harvard Law, the first 30 pages or so have really rung true to me.

In honor of the three day weekend that I will be spending doing homework at my In-Law's place, here's an exerpt from "One L" by Scott Turow. It will give you an idea of where my head has been at since August:
"It is Monday morning, and when I walk into the central building, I can feel my stomach clench. For the next five days I will assume that I am somewhat less intelligent than anyone around me....By Friday my nerves will be so brittle from sleeplessness and pressure and intellectual fatigue that I will not be certain I can make ith through the day....I've fallen off the dark side of the planet. I am distracted most times and have difficulty keeping up a conversation, even with my wife. At random instants, I am likely to be stricken with acute feelings of panic, depression, indefinite need, and the pep talks and irony I practice on myself only seem to make it worse. I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess."

There ya have it, kids. My life summed up very nicely by a man I've never met. Here's to a long weekend!

Holy Jebus! Re-launch

2007-02-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's funny how gettin' married, moving to NYC, and starting law school can make a person forget that he has a blog. Well, I'm back, and I have plenty to write about. Unfortunately, I don't have much time. So, I'll just give you a couple thoughts, and a quote of the week. I'm getting old, and if I start out too fast, I could break a hip.

Things I think
I think a democrat will be in the White House after 2008.

I think said democrat will be a man with african/american roots.

No, I don't think it will be Al Sharpton...although it would be fun for a while.

I think Stephen Colbert is funny.

I think I need a nice, long weekend away from NYC. Thanks Dead Presidents!

Things I know
My dog Murphy has to quit barking at the sound of the elevator door at 5am.

Anna Nicole Smith is still dead.

Stephen Colbert is funny.

Things I think I know
The Detroit Lions will not win a Super Bowl in my lifetime.

Being married is pretty easy...being poor is hard.

I am not the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Apparantly, it's more than I can say for a lot of other guys.

I want to move to North Carolina.

Quote of the week:
"Just 'cuz you got the monkey off your back, doesn't mean the circus has left town." George Carlin.

Have a great week!

Almost done

2006-03-31T09:29:00.000-08:00

Days left at work: 28 (geez, that's coming up fast)
Days until I'm "officially" off the market: 127 (don't worry, Mo, I'm already off the market)
Days until I start learning to write like a lawyer: 136 (no more adjectives for me)

Thoughts
So, as the countdown to my departure from my current position dips into the 20's, I'm starting to feel nostalgic. If you asked me about a month ago, hell, a week ago, I would've told you that I could'nt wait to bid this place adieu. But, now that the year is winding down, commencement speakers are being announced, and students are talking about their summer plans, I am starting to come to grips with the fact that I won't be around to see them return in the fall. The way I feel about my job right now is kind of the way I feel at a funeral. No matter how much of an asshole someone was during their life, at their funeral people always find good things to say about the deceased. Now, I wouldn't say comparing my job to a dead asshole is fair, because my job treats me much better than any asshole ever would, but you get the drift. The negative thoughts are starting to give way to the positive memories. All of the long nights spent writing protocols, weekends spent training students, and hours spent justifying why things should change seem to disolve more and more the closer I get to April 28. Now, instead thinking about the countless arguments I had with colleagues, I remember how it felt to meet with my students for the first time. I remember their eyes fixed upon me as I conducted trainings. I remember the first time my supervisor and I came together to fight for a common goal, and how good it felt to have someone standing up for me. I'm beginning to realize just how much I'm going to miss my job.

But, like any loss I've experienced, the grieving period will end, and I will move on. I will be able to think back on my time here and smile. But, for now, I will allow myself to feel the pain of losing something I care about very much.

Quote of the Week:
"Grief drives men to serious reflection, sharpens the understanding and softens the heart." ~ John Adams

Choices

2006-03-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

Days until I'm contributing the the unemployment rate: 36
Days until I get hitched: 135
Days until Law school: 144

What to do?
I think it was Albert Camus who said, "Life is a sum of all your choices." So, with that being said, I have a huge choice to make. What should I do this summer:

Live at the beach and clean houses?
Work at Lehigh and move furniture?

That's what it's come to. Either way, I'm sure I'll enjoy having a mindless job once again.

Things that may only interest me:
I like Russ Feingold. Not a fan of Wisconsin, but the man has some guts. As far as I'm concerned, he's the only democrat with enough courage to bring some accountability back to Washington. Feingold '08!

Stephen Colbert is a genius.

My puppy is now a dog. He's also a dog who likes to eat paper. If there's mail or a newspaper laying around, he'll destroy it. He got into the trash yesterday, and all he did was remove the paper towels and shred them to pieces. What's with that?

Bradley University, 2006 NCAA Men's Basketball Champions. Get used to it.

I'm starting to like "Countdown" on MSNBC more than any other news show. That's right, Anderson Cooper, you're on notice.

If the 25 year old teacher in Florida who repeatedly sexually assaulted her 14 year old student was a man, she would've been put away for a long time. She should be in prison, end of story.

The way the South Park creators are handling their feud with Scientology is hilarious. I think they've messed with the wrong people. Chef Vader! Don't know what I'm talking about? Check it out: http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/23/south.park.hayes.ap/index.html

I'm glad to see Mississippi has solved all of its problems, and now has time to devote to seriously ignored issues: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6308419/

Quotes of the week:
"“To leave that country before the job is done would be to hand over Iraq to car-bombers and assassins.” ~ Dick Cheney
"We are going to stay the course in Iraq." ~ George W. Bush
"To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish." ~ Benjamin Franklin

I only have one thing to say:

2006-02-15T12:44:00.000-08:00

Dick Cheney shot a 78 year old man in, what can only be described as, his face.

Exhaustion

2006-02-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

Days until I'm jobless - 82
Days until the knot is officially tied - 179
Days until I get my learn on - 188

Days until the Slim in Six hotness is complete - 29

Exhaustion
So, I think all of the excitement is catching up to me. The initial excited feeling is starting to give way to a little bit of anxiety. Add all of the life changes to the fact that I've worked two weekends in a row, and you have one exhausted puppy. As we speak, I have a terrible headache, and it's hard for me to concentrate on work. Speaking of work, there were two nice pieces in the school newspaper about my plans to leave at the end of the semester. Some of the things people said about me and the impact I've had since I arrived here really made me feel appreciated. It also made me realize that I've made a difference, which isn't necessarily apparent every day.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I'm going to see Billy Joel with my fiance, and hopefully I'll be lounging around on the couch all day Sunday. It will be a much needed break.

Quick thoughts that only I may be interested in:
If your team isn't playing, the Superbowl is kind of like a bad New Year's Eve. Big hype, parties, and booze..but in the end it's pretty anti-climactic.

I'm scared of anyone who would kill a bunch of people over a cartoon. Do like Frankie says, "Relax."

I don't know much, but I know it's a sad day when the most exciting thing that happened was when your dog had a solid poop.

Still waiting for Bush to piss off Oprah.

I can't believe the girl from "Full House" is a recovering meth addict. Adults who were child stars are usually so well adjusted...honestly, who could have seen this coming?

Johnny Weir is missing the "d" at the end of his last name.

I wonder how many people will watch the olympics this year. The U.S.A. team has been billed as the best all around team our country has ever had. Does anyone care?

Quote of the week
Just when you think no one has taken notice of your birthday, here come two friends with an empty honey pot and a broken balloon. ~ Eeyore

Oh, and by the way...

2006-02-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

Putting your four way flashers on, and parking in a handicapped spot, double parking, parking next to a fire hydrant, parking half way in a driveway, and parking in any other place you're not supposed to, does not make it legal or any less annoying to me.

What the...?

2006-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

Ok. I'm not a supporter of our president. No big surprise there. But, I had some hope for the State of the Union address Tuesday night. I was hoping that his handlers, the people who tell him what to say, would be smarter than they have shown themselves to be. Once again, they have treated the people in our country like children. Bush mentioned September 11 twice. He talked about Weapons of Mass Destruction again. I would've been convinced I was watching one of the previous two addresses if he hadn't mentioned the death of Dr. King's widow when he opened his speech. After that, it was the same old junk. Freedom, terror, freedom, terror...

He devoted two sentences to Hurricane Katrina. That's only one more sentence than what he devoted to his opposition to the creation of human-animal hybrids. It was disgusting.

So, as the now conservative Dennis Miller once said, "I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess." Unfortunately, Bush has been playing the same game for 5 years. I think it's time for someone to knock over the game board and start a new game.

Slim in Six, a sick puppy, and boiled hamburger

2006-01-31T11:18:00.000-08:00

Days until I'm unemployed: 89
Days left as a bachelor: 186
Days until I start school: 195

Days left of Slim in Six program: 35

Slim in Six
So, in an attempt to shape up for my wedding, I'm starting the Slim in Six program. The program is a three level program, moving from basic, intermediate, and advanced workouts. Each level lasts two weeks, with each week consisting of 6 days of exercise. The workout consists of core strengthening and a mix of aerobics and pilates. Good stuff. I tried it a while back, and it was pretty good, but I wasn't committed to following the program. This time, I have an incentive: to be a hot groom. We're talking six pack and everything. Been almost 10 years since I had one of those...Looking forward to being in shape again.

In addition to the program, I'm going to take advantage of the free gym at work while I can and get back to lifting. I have three months left, so I might as well use it.

Sick puppy and boiled hamburger
I was startled awake early on Sunday morning, 4:30 to be exact, by a horrible smell. I thought it was coming from outside of my apartment. Upon further inspection, I determined the smell was in fact coming from under my bed. We'll just say Charlie wasn't feeling well, and he left me a present. I was really concerned, and cut my 8 hour training session to 6 hours so I could spend time with him and make sure he was ok. Unfortunately, the problem persisted, and I called the vet. Since he's not lethargic, in fact he's playful as ever, and we both suspected the problem was due to new treats I had been giving him, she didn't think it was serious. The vet told me to take him off his regular diet, cut the portion size in half, and feed him 3 parts boild rice, and 1 part boiled hamburger. Then, once he is "feeling better" (read as "firm poop"), I can wean him off the diet and back to his regular food. I feel bad for the little guy...hopefully he'll be back to normal soon.

Quick thoughts that only I may be interested in:
RIP Coretta Scott King :(

I wish our government would do something to piss off Oprah. Then maybe someone will hold them accountable for their "mistakes."

How about this weather?

I haven't had a cigarette in over a week...and it hasn't been all that hard.

Pepe' le Pew was a stalker.

A friend of mine felt like she had to explain herself when she told me she didn't like "Brokeback Mountain." I haven't seen it, but I don't automatically think people who don't like it are homophobic. Hey, I don't like "Barber Shop", and I don't feel the need to explain that the reason I don't like it has nothing to do with the predominately black cast...

I don't know about you, but I have a soft spot for Jerome Bettis...I hope "The Bus" runs over Seattle this Sunday, and the Steelers take home the Lombardi trophy.

I'm not very photogenic...I can't fake smile.

Quote of the week: "We now have a president that admittedly could see weapons of mass destruction in Iraq that weren’t there, but couldn’t see a hurricane in New Orleans that was there." Al Sharpton, 1/24/06

Just a few quick thoughts

2006-01-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

As I head into a weekend full of training sessions, I thought I'd stop by and jot down a few thoughts...

I think it's funny that the guy from survivor committed tax fraud.

I think it's scary as hell that Hamas won the Palestinian elections.

I think it's scarier that people are giving Bush a pass, when he pretty much told everyone he broke the law yesterday during his press conference (watch it again, or read the transcript....you'll see it if you pay attention, which most people don't).

I think it's scariest that, despite everything that's happening, the news is being dominated by a dipshit who lied in a book.

I think it's going to be wonderful, but hard, to live in a studio apartment with my wife and two dogs.

I think I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want to eat...

I think I miss my fiance...

I think I'm going to buy a slingshot, and each person who feels the need to scream at the top of his/her lungs right outside my window between the hours of 1am and 7am will be the recipient of a rock to head.

I think my new vision plan at work sucks...

I think I have about 20 lunch trays in my office...I think I should take them back.

I think that's all for now.

Quote for today: "Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness." Chinese Proverb

Tax cuts and Kool-Aid

2006-01-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

Days until I'm unemployed - 96
Days left as a bachelor - 193
Days until I start law school - 202

Al Sharpton is coming to Lehigh. Tonight, at 7:30pm, the Reverend Al Sharpton will give a speech to celebrate the work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr (and hopefully get in a little Bush-bashing). I want to make this clear to everyone -- I love Al Sharpton. I did not vote for him, and, in the future, I probably will not vote for him...nonetheless, I love the man. Debates are more fun with him as a participant...you never know what you're going to get. He rolls his eyes, calls people out, and doesn't back down from his views whatsoever. And now, in honor of his visit to Lehigh tonight, here are some of my favorite Sharpton quotes:

* "I suggest to you tonight that if George Bush had selected the court in '54, Clarence Thomas would have never got to law school."

* "If I were president, I would go in and say, ‘We were wrong.’ Tony Blair and George Bush had a meeting, acted as though it was a world summit. Two guys in a phone booth acted like the whole world had met."

* "George Bush giving tax cuts is like Jim Jones giving Kool-Aid. It tastes good but it'll kill you."

Here are a few random thoughts:
* I wonder if our policy to never negotiate with terrorists is a good idea. Something about the absolute nature of it leaves me with a bad feeling.

* My puppy has a very large tongue. It makes me wonder...when he closes his mouth, where does it go? It seems much too large to fit in his mouth.

* The Colbert Report is almost as funny as The Daily Show. Watch it, Nation. You won't be sorry.

* What god did West Virginia piss off this month? Tragic and scary stuff...

News stories I think are important this week:
Alito will be confirmed...we're at a pretty important time in our nation's history, folks.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/24/politics/politicsspecial1/24cnd-alito.html?hp&ex=1138165200&en=bf91db6c0d726a45&ei=5094&partner=homepage

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/01/24/alito/index.html

Palestinian elections on Wednesday...If Hamas wins the majority, will they work with Fatah, or will they go back on their word and take over the government? This will be a major roadblock to peace in the region.
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/international/AP-Palestinian-Elections.html?hp&ex=1138165200&en=9a00aa8b6ee632f7&ei=5094&partner=homepage

What's privacy anyway? How much do we value our civil liberties? Senator John Cornyn said, "None of your civil liberties mean much after you're dead." It was my understanding that our civil liberties define our sense of "freedom." We're fighting wars to spread, as GWB puts it, God's gift to all human beings...their "freedom." But, now we're asking to give up our freedoms to win a war we're fighting to protect our freedom...I don't get it. As a people, we cherish our civil liberties so much, that we've chosen to die for them. So, no, you can't tap my phone for no reason, and my google searches are none of your business: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5165854

Something that may only interest me:
Cool new movies coming out this spring, but I'm still waiting for Spider-Man 3. Word around the campfire is Gwen Stacey will be in the movie. For those of you who don't know, Gwen was actually Peter's first love, and she died during a bridge-top battle between Spidey and the Green Goblin, similar to the end of Spider-Man 1. Mary Jane didn't show until later in the comic. It'll be interesting, so keep yourself updated: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0413300/

Quote of the week:
"It moisturizes my situation, and preserves my sexy." Diddy, speaking about Proactiv skin cream.

I'm obsessed

2006-01-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm completely obsessed with my puppy....Seriously. I would be perfectly happy if I could just sit and watch him all day. If they had a TV channel of Charlie, I wouldn't need a remote control. Now he's about twice the size as he is in this picture, but he still has the puppy face. How can you resist this face?

We need a hero....

2006-01-19T12:07:00.000-08:00

The other night, while I was flipping through the channels, I happened upon the American classic, "Footloose." As I watched Kevin Bacon take on the powers that be, fighting for his God given right to dance, I was filled with something a young democrat isn't accustomed to these days...I felt hope. I thought, "If a city slicker from Chicago can dance his way into the heart of the tyrannical yet grief stricken Reverand Moore, and save the kids of that small town, then there must be someone out there who can save the people of the United States." But, then I looked at our heroes. Hillary was bold enough to publicly say Congress, under the current leadership, is racist. Bold indeed, but the backlash was immediate and unwavering. Much like the angry, anti-booty shaking parents at the town meeting, republicans were shouting about "playing the race card". Conservative talking heads were claiming she dishonored Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. by making the comments on MLK day. (What puzzles me is the idea that Senator Clinton dishonored Dr. King by standing up for the minority members of Congress, whose voices are all but ignored by the leadership of the House and Senate....) No matter how misguided it was, the backlash shouldn't be a surprise to any of us. It's nothing new...Just as it wasn't new when Republicans attacked Al Gore for his recent comments the wire tapping of US citizens without a warrant. In a column on newsmax.com (http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/1/18/141755.shtml), Rush Limbaugh accused Senator Clinton and Gore of "character assasination." This coming from a man who called Hillary Clinton a "testicle lockbox" (http://mediamatters.org/items/200508260005).

In the political atmosphere we live in, it seems like the usual suspects aren't going to cut it. The Republican Noise Machine, with it's ability to spin, lie, and distort, has made an art out of convincing the public that Hillary is an opportunistic predator, Gore is a Liar, and Howard Dean is just plan nuts (http://cagle.msnbc.com/news/CrazyDean2004%20copy/main.asp).

After the initial wave of hope washed over me, and I watched as conservative pundit after pundit went on the offensive this week, I returned to the cautious optimism of a young democrat in 2006. The Republican leadership is quivering as Casino Jack prepares to sell them down the river, Delay is out, Ney is on his way, and there's talk about an investigation into the domestic wire tapping scandal. Hell, even Arlen Spector used the word impeachment, even if he did say he wasn't convinced Bush broke the law. (http://www.capitolhillblue.com/artman/publish/article_8002.shtml) Oh, and I haven't forgotten about you, either, Karl Rove.

As for the future, maybe some maverick Democratic Governor will come out of nowhere and restore our faith. Maybe the Republican party will be implode so horribly that the people of the United States will vote for anyone other than the Republican candidate in 2008. Whatever happens, I know this: If we can keep the ship above water long enough, there's a city slicker named Barak Obama, who like our dancing hero is from Chicago, waiting to pull into town and take on the religious fanatics, so we can finally dance again.